Quote

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Year
Memorable
Leash
Kids
Dumb
Leashes
Years
Everywhere
Cord
Like
Dog
Cords
Gave
Forgot
Birth
Parenting
Cutting
Motherhood
Baby
Followed
Obstetricians

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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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