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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Cutting
Motherhood
Baby
Followed
Obstetricians
Year
Memorable
Leash
Kids
Dumb
Leashes
Years
Everywhere
Cord
Like
Dog
Cords
Gave
Forgot
Birth
Parenting
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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