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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Inspiration
Saying
Success
Everyone
Else
Thinking
Succeeded
Memorable
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
Joan Rivers
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Joan Rivers
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Joan Rivers
My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers
Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
Joan Rivers
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Joan Rivers
If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Joan Rivers
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
Joan Rivers
Two is company three is fifty bucks.
Joan Rivers
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan Rivers
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan Rivers
