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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Way
Scatter
Ashes
Visit
Husband
Told
Death
Wanted
Cremated
Every
Marcus
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
Joan Rivers
