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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Limits
Shops
Late
Limit
Fashion
Aging
Television
Stores
Open
Thank
Living
Thanks
Country
Bed
Sky
Shop

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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
Joan Rivers