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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Fashion
Aging
Television
Stores
Open
Thank
Living
Thanks
Country
Bed
Sky
Shop
Limits
Shops
Late
Limit

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan Rivers
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
Joan Rivers
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Joan Rivers
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers