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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Limits
Shops
Late
Limit
Fashion
Aging
Television
Stores
Open
Thank
Living
Thanks
Country
Bed
Sky
Shop

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
Joan Rivers
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Joan Rivers
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Joan Rivers