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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Looks
Plastic
Like
Memorable
Comedian
Aging
Jokes
Wish
Twin
Look
Twins
Without
Surgery

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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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