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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Like
Memorable
Comedian
Aging
Jokes
Wish
Twin
Look
Twins
Without
Surgery
Looks
Plastic

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Joan Rivers
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan Rivers
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
Joan Rivers
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
Joan Rivers