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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Long
Love
Bunk
Life
Ties
Sexy
Romance
Forgotten
Sex
Since

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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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