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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Romance
Forgotten
Sex
Since
Long
Love
Bunk
Life
Ties
Sexy

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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers