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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Long
Love
Bunk
Life
Ties
Sexy
Romance
Forgotten
Sex
Since

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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers