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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Diamond
Floor
Witty
Humorous
Funny
Women
Wanted
Diamonds
Bend

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
Joan Rivers
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Rivers
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers
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I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
Joan Rivers
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
Joan Rivers
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan Rivers
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
Joan Rivers
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers