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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Floor
Witty
Humorous
Funny
Women
Wanted
Diamonds
Bend
Diamond

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Joan Rivers
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
Joan Rivers
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Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
Joan Rivers
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Joan Rivers
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Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Joan Rivers
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers