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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Wanted
Diamonds
Bend
Diamond
Floor
Witty
Humorous
Funny
Women
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
Joan Rivers
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
Can we talk?
Joan Rivers
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
Joan Rivers
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers
Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
Joan Rivers
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
Joan Rivers
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Joan Rivers
