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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Women
Jokes
Chores
Make
Luck
Housework
Later
Hilarious
Months
Dishes
Humor
Memorable
Start
Comedian
Funny
Six
Hate
Bed
Beds
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers
Every television show you go on is a choice.
Joan Rivers
