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There's a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That's ridiculous. I don't need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

Jimmy Fallon

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Jimmy Fallon
Age: 50
Born: 1974
Born: September 19
Actor
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Television Actor
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Brooklyn
New York
James Thomas Fallon
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More quotes by Jimmy Fallon

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I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.
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New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you're consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.
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Hillary Clinton has a $350 billion plan that she says will make college more affordable. Which has to be better than my parents' plan to make college affordable: 'Be good at sports.'
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Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex.
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The U.S. is re-establishing relations with Cuba. But before President Obama can lift the embargo, it will need approval from the Republican-controlled Congress - or as Republicans who called Obama said, 'Close, but no cigar.'
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Success is just happiness. When you are happy, that is success.
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Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.
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In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.
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I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.
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Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.
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Thank you hard taco shells for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.
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It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president.
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Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.
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In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders.
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Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That's 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.
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Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn't he done something about this?'
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MSNBC host Lawrence O'Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his 'Apprentice' series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump's claim, saying, 'We don't have $20 million. We're NBC.'
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Sources say the Obama administration is in the 'final stages' of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it's gonna work is, they're going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.
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My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream.
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A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
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