Quote

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Anything
Doors
Bike
Best
Humor
Bedroom
Ever
Told
Secretary
Time
Saying
Upset
Nice
Dad
Asks
Door
Surprisingly
Funny
Sex
Burst
Given
Advice
Mum

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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
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Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
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