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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Jimmy Carr
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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Instruction
Away
Keep
Children
Kind
Men
Think
Viagra
Thinking
Instructions
More quotes by Jimmy Carr
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
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It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
Jimmy Carr
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
Jimmy Carr
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Jimmy Carr
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Jimmy Carr
I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
Jimmy Carr
