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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Always
People
Option
Vegetarian
Dinner
House
Come
Make

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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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