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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
People
Option
Vegetarian
Dinner
House
Come
Make
Always

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I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
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I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
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I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
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If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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