Quote

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Tend
Eight
Stage
Almost
Twitchy
Home
Timed
Body
Weekend
Never
Clock
Evening

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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
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I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.
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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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