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I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
Jimmy Carr
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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
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Yeah
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Holding
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More quotes by Jimmy Carr
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
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I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
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But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
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It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
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