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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Jimmy Carr
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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Comedy
Cigarette
Funny
Scientists
Fairs
Use
Fair
Enough
Harm
Ashtray
Children
Scientist
Ashtrays
British
Cigarettes
Humor
Demonstrated
More quotes by Jimmy Carr
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
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I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
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I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
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