Quote

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Children
Harm
Ashtray
Scientist
Ashtrays
British
Cigarettes
Humor
Demonstrated
Comedy
Cigarette
Funny
Scientists
Use
Fairs
Enough
Fair

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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
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I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
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