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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
Jimmy Carr
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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Going
Phone
Never
Phones
Sex
Answer
Answers
Talk
Hilariously
Remember
Tunnel
Even
Tunnels
More quotes by Jimmy Carr
Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
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It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
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But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
Jimmy Carr
