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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
Jimmy Carr
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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Sex
Answer
Answers
Hilariously
Talk
Tunnel
Remember
Tunnels
Even
Phone
Going
Never
Phones
More quotes by Jimmy Carr
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
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I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
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I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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