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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Release
Laugh
Laughing
Trying
Make
Endorphins
Preaching

More quotes by Jimmy Carr

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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
Jimmy Carr
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Jimmy Carr
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Jimmy Carr
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I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
Jimmy Carr
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
Jimmy Carr
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TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
Jimmy Carr
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Jimmy Carr
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
Jimmy Carr
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I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
Jimmy Carr
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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
Jimmy Carr
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After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
Jimmy Carr
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
Jimmy Carr
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
Jimmy Carr
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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
Jimmy Carr
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I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
Jimmy Carr
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
Jimmy Carr
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I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
Jimmy Carr
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Jimmy Carr
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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
Jimmy Carr