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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Amount
Sound
True
Implausible
Surprising
Jokes

More quotes by Jimmy Carr

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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
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If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
Jimmy Carr
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
Jimmy Carr
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
Jimmy Carr
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Jimmy Carr