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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Implausible
Surprising
Jokes
Amount
Sound
True

More quotes by Jimmy Carr

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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
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If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
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A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
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When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
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But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.
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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
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I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
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Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
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