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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
True
Implausible
Surprising
Jokes
Amount
Sound

More quotes by Jimmy Carr

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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
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Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
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There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
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Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
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I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
Jimmy Carr