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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Implausible
Surprising
Jokes
Amount
Sound
True

More quotes by Jimmy Carr

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Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
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I don't see myself as offending people.
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All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.
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I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
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Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
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I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
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I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.
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The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
Jimmy Carr
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My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying Can I have a new bike?. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
Jimmy Carr