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I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Jimmy Carr

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Jimmy Carr
Age: 52
Born: 1972
Born: September 15
Comedian
Film Actor
Humorist
Radio Personality
Screenwriter
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
James Anthony Patrick Carr
Funny
Used
Lottery
Nothing
Realised
Every
Tickets
Watches
Watch
Humor
Week

More quotes by Jimmy Carr

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Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
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I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
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Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, Yes, who did you think it was?
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I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
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Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
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A big girl once came up to me after a show and said I think you're fatist. I said No, no. I think you're fattest.
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Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
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I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
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A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
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My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
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The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
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Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
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My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
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British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
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Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
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I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
Jimmy Carr