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I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Jim Norton

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Jim Norton
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: May 17
Comedian
Sports Commentator
Charlotte
North Carolina
Sitcom
Laid
Couldn
Humor
Funny
Rifle
Rifles

More quotes by Jim Norton

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They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
Jim Norton
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I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
Jim Norton
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Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
Jim Norton
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What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
Jim Norton
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God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
Jim Norton
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That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
Jim Norton
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Apologies our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.
Jim Norton
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I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
Jim Norton
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I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Jim Norton
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My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
Jim Norton
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No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.
Jim Norton
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There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
Jim Norton
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That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
Jim Norton
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The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
Jim Norton
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I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
Jim Norton
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You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
Jim Norton
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What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Jim Norton
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While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Jim Norton
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Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.
Jim Norton
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People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
Jim Norton