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I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Jim Norton

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Jim Norton
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: May 17
Comedian
Sports Commentator
Charlotte
North Carolina
Rifle
Rifles
Sitcom
Laid
Couldn
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Jim Norton

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People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
Jim Norton
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Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
Jim Norton
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You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
Jim Norton
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What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
Jim Norton
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That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
Jim Norton
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Apologies our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.
Jim Norton
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For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
Jim Norton
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What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Jim Norton
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I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
Jim Norton
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They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
Jim Norton
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Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
Jim Norton
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I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
Jim Norton
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That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
Jim Norton
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I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Jim Norton
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You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
Jim Norton
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While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Jim Norton
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No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.
Jim Norton
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I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
Jim Norton
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My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
Jim Norton
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God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
Jim Norton