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I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Jim Norton

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Jim Norton
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: May 17
Comedian
Sports Commentator
Charlotte
North Carolina
Humor
Funny
Rifle
Rifles
Sitcom
Laid
Couldn

More quotes by Jim Norton

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You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
Jim Norton
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There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
Jim Norton
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I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
Jim Norton
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My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
Jim Norton
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What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
Jim Norton
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You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
Jim Norton
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Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
Jim Norton
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God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
Jim Norton
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While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Jim Norton
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They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
Jim Norton
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I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
Jim Norton
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My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
Jim Norton
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That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
Jim Norton
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What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Jim Norton
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I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Jim Norton
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Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.
Jim Norton
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People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
Jim Norton
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No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.
Jim Norton
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I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
Jim Norton
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I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
Jim Norton