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No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

Jim Norton

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Jim Norton
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: May 17
Comedian
Sports Commentator
Charlotte
North Carolina
Sneeze
Carpet
Ruined
Periods
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Jim Norton

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God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
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For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
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They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
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That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
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What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
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You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
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That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
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I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
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My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
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I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Jim Norton
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My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
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I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
Jim Norton
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I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
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Apologies our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.
Jim Norton
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I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
Jim Norton
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The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
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People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
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There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
Jim Norton
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Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
Jim Norton
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I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
Jim Norton