Quote

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

Jim Norton

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Jim Norton
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: May 17
Comedian
Sports Commentator
Charlotte
North Carolina
Carpet
Ruined
Periods
Humor
Funny
Sneeze

More quotes by Jim Norton

Image
My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
Jim Norton
Image
I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
Jim Norton
Image
For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
Jim Norton
Image
I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
Jim Norton
Image
There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
Jim Norton
Image
I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
Jim Norton
Image
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
Jim Norton
Image
The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
Jim Norton
Image
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
Jim Norton
Image
They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
Jim Norton
Image
My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
Jim Norton
Image
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
Jim Norton
Image
Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
Jim Norton
Image
I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
Jim Norton
Image
Apologies our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.
Jim Norton
Image
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
Jim Norton
Image
What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Jim Norton
Image
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Jim Norton
Image
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
Jim Norton
Image
People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
Jim Norton