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No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

Jim Norton

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Jim Norton
Age: 65
Born: 1959
Born: May 17
Comedian
Sports Commentator
Charlotte
North Carolina
Funny
Sneeze
Carpet
Ruined
Periods
Humor

More quotes by Jim Norton

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Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.
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I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
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Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
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While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
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Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
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You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
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My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
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That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
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I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
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You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
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I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
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There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
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That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
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God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
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Apologies our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.
Jim Norton
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My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
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The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
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For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
Jim Norton
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People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
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They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
Jim Norton