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I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Somebody
Takes
Learn
Quarterback
Best
Quarter
Play
Quarters
Always
Fourth
Things
Plays
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More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
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I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
Jim Gaffigan
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I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Jim Gaffigan
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
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I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
Jim Gaffigan
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I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
Jim Gaffigan
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I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
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Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it
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I was looking at a bottle of water they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
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Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Jim Gaffigan
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The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
Jim Gaffigan
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My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
Jim Gaffigan
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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
Jim Gaffigan
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I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.
Jim Gaffigan
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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
Jim Gaffigan
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Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
Jim Gaffigan
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
Jim Gaffigan
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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
Jim Gaffigan
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
Jim Gaffigan