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Be more assertive with what you want to do.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Assertive

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I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
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I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
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I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
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Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
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I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
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The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.
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You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
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Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there's nothing really filthy.
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There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.
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I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
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Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
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I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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