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Be more assertive with what you want to do.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Assertive

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Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
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The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
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There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
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Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.
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It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
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How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
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I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
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The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
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Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
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Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
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Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.
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I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain persona. Comedians write the way they're going to write.
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If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
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Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
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Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
Jim Gaffigan
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I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.
Jim Gaffigan
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Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote these are WMD's on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.
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