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I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Never
Comfortable
Would
Felt
Kids
Someone
Care
Even
Something
Birthdays
Really
Sing
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
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It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
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I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of sit back and wait your turn, or sit back and wait and let other people do things.
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When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
Jim Gaffigan
I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
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Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
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Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.
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I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
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I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
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When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
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I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
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I got up early because I wanted to. - Nobody
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Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
Jim Gaffigan
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
Jim Gaffigan
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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I told my son, who's 11, Look, I don't care if you curse - it's other people that care. So we tried that experiment, and he just cursed all the time. And I was like, All right, now I care that you curse. You try to have this idealized view, and it's like, I don't care. But it's just going to cause chaos.
Jim Gaffigan
