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A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Keep
Kind
Really
Teachings
Grounded
Teaching
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: Something smells like smoke in here! Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy.
Jim Gaffigan
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
Jim Gaffigan
A lot of people are like, You're doing commercials? And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.
Jim Gaffigan
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
Jim Gaffigan
Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
Jim Gaffigan
When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
Jim Gaffigan
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
Jim Gaffigan
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Jim Gaffigan
Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
Jim Gaffigan
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Jim Gaffigan
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
Jim Gaffigan
I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve.
Jim Gaffigan
Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.
Jim Gaffigan
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
Jim Gaffigan
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?
Jim Gaffigan
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
Jim Gaffigan
I just want to be known as funny.
Jim Gaffigan
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Jim Gaffigan
I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
Jim Gaffigan
