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That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Private
Stupid
Business
Believe
People
Besides
Perception
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
Jim Gaffigan
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.
Jim Gaffigan
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
Jim Gaffigan
My kids are so dramatically different, but it's not like I would trade one in or like there's one I would pick over the other ones. I know that sounds like I'm bullshitting. I also have five of them so I barely know them.
Jim Gaffigan
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
Jim Gaffigan
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
Jim Gaffigan
It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
Jim Gaffigan
I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, Huh! This is pretty darn good, and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.
Jim Gaffigan
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
Jim Gaffigan
Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
Jim Gaffigan
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
Jim Gaffigan
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
Jim Gaffigan
I was looking at a bottle of water they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.
Jim Gaffigan
If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
Jim Gaffigan
As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
Jim Gaffigan
Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
Jim Gaffigan
That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
Jim Gaffigan
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
Jim Gaffigan
Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.
Jim Gaffigan
Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.
Jim Gaffigan
