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You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Jesus
Easy
Like
Pope
Freak
Talk
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
Jim Gaffigan
Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.
Jim Gaffigan
I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'
Jim Gaffigan
The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.
Jim Gaffigan
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
Jim Gaffigan
I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say, Who's there? Who's there? So people that were from Indiana were the people that said Who's there? But what do I know? I don't read or interact with people outside the Internet.
Jim Gaffigan
Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
Jim Gaffigan
Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?
Jim Gaffigan
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
Jim Gaffigan
I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, I'm going to read this script like six times, and I only read it the initial time.
Jim Gaffigan
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
Jim Gaffigan
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
Jim Gaffigan
I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
Jim Gaffigan
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
Jim Gaffigan
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
Jim Gaffigan
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
Jim Gaffigan
I live in New York City, but it doesn't matter if you're in any large, metropolitan area, there's kind of a little bit of survival-of-the-fittest, so when you encounter kindness or people going out of their way in an empathetic way, it's almost startling.
Jim Gaffigan
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
Jim Gaffigan
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! Hey I got a - who cares.
Jim Gaffigan