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I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Dancers
Crack
Cracks
Dancer
Smoke
Prayer
Together

More quotes by Jim Gaffigan

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The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.
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Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
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How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
Jim Gaffigan
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I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
Jim Gaffigan
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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
Jim Gaffigan
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Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
Jim Gaffigan
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It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can't imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much.
Jim Gaffigan
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Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
Jim Gaffigan
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You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
Jim Gaffigan
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I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.
Jim Gaffigan
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It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip - is that we are in the middle of this culture war.
Jim Gaffigan
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
Jim Gaffigan
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I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.
Jim Gaffigan
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For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn't offer a level of creative fulfillment, it's oddly unappealing.
Jim Gaffigan
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What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
Jim Gaffigan
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Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan
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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
Jim Gaffigan
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I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
Jim Gaffigan
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Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.
Jim Gaffigan
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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! Hey I got a - who cares.
Jim Gaffigan