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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Make
Would
Love
Rickles
Sweet

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I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
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Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!
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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
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Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
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I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'
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I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
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I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.
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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
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That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
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I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.
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If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
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It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
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Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
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