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Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Bowling
Ball
Balls
Shoes
Friends
People
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
Jim Gaffigan
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.
Jim Gaffigan
How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'
Jim Gaffigan
It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.
Jim Gaffigan
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling.
Jim Gaffigan
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
Jim Gaffigan
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
Jim Gaffigan
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
Jim Gaffigan
When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
Jim Gaffigan
I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
Jim Gaffigan
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
Jim Gaffigan
There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.
Jim Gaffigan
There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, I know someone who looks like you and I don't know what say to them except, Tell them hi.
Jim Gaffigan
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
Jim Gaffigan
Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?
Jim Gaffigan
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?
Jim Gaffigan
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
Jim Gaffigan
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
Jim Gaffigan
