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Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Married
Alone
Makes
Beautiful
Two
Children
Really
Appreciate

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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
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In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.
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Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
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What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
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I don't want people to think I believe in God.
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Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.
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Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
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Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.
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My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
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Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
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I didn't realize how much of a Hoosier or a Midwesterner I was until I moved to New York. It's weird - growing up in Indiana, I wanted to get out, and now I completely romanticize Indiana. It just seems like there's a greater focus on family back there, which I suppose is something that kind of stayed with me.
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Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!
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I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
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Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
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It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
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I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve.
Jim Gaffigan
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
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