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Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Running
Doorknob
Away
Babies
Trying
Reach
Think
Baby
Thinking
Walk
Already
Walks
Learn
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
Jim Gaffigan
If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.
Jim Gaffigan
I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
Jim Gaffigan
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Jim Gaffigan
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim Gaffigan
Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much.
Jim Gaffigan
That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
Jim Gaffigan
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
Jim Gaffigan
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain persona. Comedians write the way they're going to write.
Jim Gaffigan
Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
Jim Gaffigan
Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
Jim Gaffigan
The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, You should be the head of the sitcom! Or you're given no respect, where they're like, You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down.
Jim Gaffigan
I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
Jim Gaffigan
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
Jim Gaffigan
My kids are so dramatically different, but it's not like I would trade one in or like there's one I would pick over the other ones. I know that sounds like I'm bullshitting. I also have five of them so I barely know them.
Jim Gaffigan
I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
Jim Gaffigan
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
Jim Gaffigan
