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You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Pink
Ball
Balls
Heavy
Find
Right
Good
Never
Bowling
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.
Jim Gaffigan
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
Jim Gaffigan
Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
Jim Gaffigan
Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!
Jim Gaffigan
My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
Jim Gaffigan
Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldnt it be hysterical if we went bowling?
Jim Gaffigan
I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.
Jim Gaffigan
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Jim Gaffigan
I don't want people to think I believe in God.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.
Jim Gaffigan
It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say, Who's there? Who's there? So people that were from Indiana were the people that said Who's there? But what do I know? I don't read or interact with people outside the Internet.
Jim Gaffigan
Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it
Jim Gaffigan
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, Hey Jim, how ya do- I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages! That's great, what was it about? No idea! Took me three years!
Jim Gaffigan
I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
Jim Gaffigan
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! Hey I got a - who cares.
Jim Gaffigan
I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
Jim Gaffigan
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
Jim Gaffigan
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.
Jim Gaffigan
