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The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
Jim Gaffigan
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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
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Day
Hardest
Open
Eyes
Morning
Eye
More quotes by Jim Gaffigan
I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.
Jim Gaffigan
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
Jim Gaffigan
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: I still live near you! The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
Jim Gaffigan
That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
Jim Gaffigan
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Jim Gaffigan
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
Jim Gaffigan
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
Jim Gaffigan
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Jim Gaffigan
I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
Jim Gaffigan
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
Jim Gaffigan
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
Jim Gaffigan
Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.
Jim Gaffigan
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
Jim Gaffigan
I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. [...] There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
Jim Gaffigan
I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
Jim Gaffigan
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
Jim Gaffigan
I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I'm discussing, it's not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written.
Jim Gaffigan
Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
Jim Gaffigan
You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
Jim Gaffigan
