Quote

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Looks
Comedy
Stash
Giving
Asks
Ketchup
Always
Guy
Handing
Like
Funny
Tonight
Three
Treats
Kids
Aren
Give
Taking
Back
Personal
Packets

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I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
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How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
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I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
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You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
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People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
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We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan. And it was a bit terrifying.
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I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much.
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When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
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I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
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I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
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I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.
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If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.
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My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.
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I live in New York City, but it doesn't matter if you're in any large, metropolitan area, there's kind of a little bit of survival-of-the-fittest, so when you encounter kindness or people going out of their way in an empathetic way, it's almost startling.
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I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot
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I never went to church when I was in college, either.
Jim Gaffigan