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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
Funny
Hot
Always
Glad
Never
Gonna
Like
Paid
Comedy
Eaten
Hurt
Pocket
Dies
Afterwards
Faces
Pockets

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Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
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I never went to church when I was in college, either.
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I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?
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I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
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I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
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You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
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I live in New York City, but it doesn't matter if you're in any large, metropolitan area, there's kind of a little bit of survival-of-the-fittest, so when you encounter kindness or people going out of their way in an empathetic way, it's almost startling.
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Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
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If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
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Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.
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When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
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Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'
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I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.
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My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.
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I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
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Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
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Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much.
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I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain persona. Comedians write the way they're going to write.
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