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I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

Jim Gaffigan

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Jim Gaffigan
Age: 58
Born: 1966
Born: July 7
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Elgin
Illinois
James Christopher Gaffigan
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Paid
Comedy
Eaten
Hurt
Pocket
Dies
Afterwards
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Pockets
Funny
Hot
Always
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Never
Gonna

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It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.
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If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
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The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
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I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they'd say, Who's there? Who's there? So people that were from Indiana were the people that said Who's there? But what do I know? I don't read or interact with people outside the Internet.
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Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot
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Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
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I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
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I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
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I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
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My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! Hey I got a - who cares.
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The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
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The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
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Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
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I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
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I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
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It's weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can't imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much.
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Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
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